Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Our favorite team is playing for the Grey Cup again, they are even playing against the same team as last year. And I am not going to the game because being in a stadium with 60,000 happy/excited/drunk people is something I can't do. I don't even want to watch the game on TV because it just makes me think about last year and what should be happening right now.
And on top of that I feel so stupid because back in June for some bizarre reason, I thought I would be able to do it and I spent $145 on a ticket. No wait I know the bizarre reason: in June I thought I WOULD BE PREGNANT by now and that I would have some hope of being some type of happy again.
Friday, November 26, 2010
I want to submit something for the Creme de la Creme of 2010, not because I think anything I wrote was that great, but because I can. (Damn, Mel is awesome.) However being a horribly indecisive DBM, I can't decide which post to submit. Help me out my wonderful readers, should it be:
Any other suggestions? Seriously, I can't look at my writing objectively so I need your help.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
So you wouldn't think being at the low end of low would encourage me to finish projects, but I've stopped expecting things to make sense around here. I bought most of the materials for a photo album for Reid months ago, but I've been dragging my butt about actually making any progress. (And it's a glorified photo album, NOT a scrapbook, I do NOT do scrapbooking.) My support group does a craft afternoon once a month and this month I needed to be around other DBM's so I went and I took Reid's album to work on. I didn't quite finish it on Saturday, but I did "finish" it yesterday. I will probably add a few more pictures, but it's finished enough to let someone besides me look at it. Not that there are many people I currently trust enough to show it to, but I can take it out and look at it whenever I need to. Of course right now just looking at the cover is enough to make me cry because this is the only photo album for Reid that I will ever have and he's only actually in 2 pictures. Of well, here are the highlights...
(and the brown looks good with the red I needed to use.)
Sunday, November 21, 2010
At my lowest, I run out of hope that things will ever get better. I wonder what is the point of making myself go through the motions. Most of the things I do are because I am supposed to do them not because I want to and on bad days that includes spending time with my living child. I know that's horrible and ungrateful, but I am being honest here and right now having a living child just doesn't help me deal with the loss of my other child. Right now it seems like every time she does something good or cute or smart, it's just another thing that Reid will never do. I love her but it hurts so much at the same time.
Then I feel bad for not be able to just love and enjoy her and I start to wonder which is worse: having to grow up with a messed up mom who can't get over her dead brother or having no mom at all. So far the no mom at all seems worse but mostly because I think D.G. would be a terrible single parent. (I was mad enough at him today to tell him that which is an awful thing to say but at least he gets how bad things are in my head now.) I know thinking like this is dangerous but knowing it's bad doesn't mean I can stop those thoughts. I have no idea how to stop them but I don't think that AD's are the answer for me. I guess I'll see what the EMDR therapist has to say on Friday.
I know this is serious stuff, but it's not a plea for help. I am writing this to try to get it out of my head or get some perspective or something else like that. I'm not looking for advice or suggestions, just understanding.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
My mom called Tuesday and acted like everything was perfectly normal. I wasn't in the mood for drama and it's not like talking about it going to change anything that happened so I just let it go. D.G. also talked to his mom last night (for the first time since she went into Reid's room without asking) and also pretended that everything was normal so I guess that's what we all do around here.
Monday, November 15, 2010
So we are back. I saw the baby. (I held her, but only once) I tried to pretend I was normal, but could only hold it together for about 2 hours when everyone was around, so I would just hide out in the guest bedroom and read/cry for the rest of the evening. Except for the first night, when I locked myself in the guest bathroom with the lights off and the exhaust fan on to drown out the noise of everyone else talking right after supper was finished.
It was just all kinds of weird. Everyone would reply to me if I talked to them, but it felt like everyone was avoiding me. The only time I held the baby was when we first got there. After my parents held her, my dad gave her to me and I held her for about 2 minutes. My brother never asked me once if I wanted to hold her. I really felt like having a dead baby was some kind if communicable disease so they kept the baby away from me. We stayed with my aunt and uncle and my parents stayed at my brother's house. They all came to my aunt's house for supper every night we were there (D was the only one with an early bedtime) but we were never invited to my brother's house.
I guess I just have to accept that my brother having a child doesn't change the fact that he's an ass. I thought it might make him more understanding of what I have been through, but an ass who loves HIS baby is still an ass.
I barely talked to my mom during the whole ordeal and since I went to bed early the night before we left, I never even said goodbye to her. I figured she knew where I was, if she wanted to talk to me she could try, but she never did. I wonder how long I'll have to wait for the inevitable guilt-inducing phone call how about horribly I behaved during the trip.
Well at least D had a good time, apparently the dead baby taint has not been passed on to her.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
A year ago, D.G. and I were packing for a few days away too. My mom came to watch D. and we spent 2 days at The Mall (It's the the biggest mall in the world and it's only 30 minutes away). We did nearly all our Christmas shopping, we ate whatever we wanted at odd hours, we rented movies and we slept in. Well he slept and I got up to pee frequently, but it was still good because we didn't have to worry about our 2 year old. It wasn't fancy but it was as close to a baby-moon as we were going to get.
When we came home, I found out that my friend L's son was stillborn. I was so shocked. I remember thinking "Full term babies don't die these days." How could that happen? (My cousin also delivered her son 11 weeks early that week and he didn't make it either so it was not a good week.) I was at 17 weeks and just wanted to wrap my arms around my belly and shield my baby from all this bad news. It was so sad for L, but something like that couldn't happen to us. Ha ha, the joke was on me because 5 and 1/2 months later, it did.
Anyways after all this rambling, today should have been L's son Kaelen's first birthday. If you have a spare moment, please stop by her blog and remember with her. (And yes it was me that gave her the gift.)
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Wow, this is my 100th post. I have an epic saga/ rant saved up, but I don’t want to waste my 100th post on something even more painful and stressful than the usual Dead Baby Mama stuff.
I went back and read my first post and nearly 7 months after writing it, I still don’t understand how my life got to be this way. I now accept that I am not going to wake up one morning and realize that this has all been a horrible dream, but I don’t have any idea what I am supposed to with myself now. Maybe it’s because I am no closer to having a living baby in my arms now than I was then. Maybe it’s because I am just as antisocial right now as I was back then.
What has changed is that I know where to look for understanding and support. Thank you all for sticking with me for 100 posts and helping me get through the worst time in my life. I hope that I have been able to do the same for some of you. Love to you all.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
At my last counseling session, my counselor suggested trying another form of therapy, EMDR. (there's lots of info here so I won't get into details.) I know I'm not getting better, I can see myself getting worse with every anniversary and bfn, but I have no idea how to make myself feel better. Just letting myself live with the grief and waiting for time to pass isn't working. I have no idea if this will work for me, but I guess it's worth meeting the therapist who uses it to see if she thinks it will help. Has anyone else had any exposure to EMDR?
Monday, November 1, 2010
Depressed Dead Baby Mama who also happens to be a chocoholic and comfort eater
tons of left over Halloween chocolate bars
Massive sugar hangover
Really Halloween could have been much worse. D loved it and no parents brought any baby boys to the door. But thoughts of last year when I wore a orange shirt to emphasize my pumpkin shaped belly and thoughts of what this year should have been were never far away.
(And I hate everyone's cute baby Halloween pictures on FB.)